Making The Best Of An Ironic Fate

Well...I went to my yearly ladybits inspection at my Ob-Gyn’s office. Everything was just fine except for one aspect. She held the mirror up to my delicates and told me that I was allergic to the fragrance in soap! Dear me, WHAT? I loves my scented soaps! I love scented everything. I make scent. I live and die by scent. What am I going to do?

My doc assured me that my ladybits are the only places which look like they are affected by this sad affliction. The only thing to do is to now eschew my scented bath things and go fragrance free. “What a bummer,” I thought,”Why me, oh Lord? Why?” However. believing stoutly in the restorative powers of Western medicine I dutifully marched off to my local Kroger store to purchase Dove unscented soap. I found it in its pawkish little light green and white box. Phfffft. How…white bread. How…unexciting. The Fates have spat in my face and I am condemned. Alas! I also bought some of their liquid soap. I returned their liquid soap as it said “unscented” on the front but one of the ingredients they list on the back is “fragrance”. Note to rich bastards who make Dove Liquid Unscented Soap=If it’s supposed to be unscented that means it has no fragrance in it. Got that? OK.

Going home I had to give away all of the stash I kept under the sink. All the bath bombs, bars, scrubs, and liquids. I still has 23 gallons left over from the Big Barrel o’ Shampoo I bought from Sam’s Club. It is called Clean and smells great, OK, I know it’s a cheap tarty musk they bought from IFF BUT I LIKE IT. I am going to use that up while I find an unscented substitute. It will run past my lady bits BUT: a) my OB-Gyn didn’t say I had to give up scented shampoo (well, I know I have to but…I am going to use it up first as I don’t have a good substitute yet), b) If I use the shampoo first (and conditioner) then wash myself off next with the unscented soap that will get me back to normal…at least that is the diabolical plan.

Now it’s bath time. I step in the shower and pick up the soap. With a soulful sigh I start lathering it up. I also bought a BufPuf to replace the scrubs I used to keep my skin smooth (I smile as it is MUCH less expensive than scrubs and lasts longer—heh, now I can spend more money on beer and cigars I guess ha ha ha). With the warm wet air and my efforts to lather up, I am releasing a very nice smell. It’s not a perfumy smell it’s more of a soft and fatty fragrance. Hard to describe because we don’t go after it as a scenting agent, but it really signals the thought “clean” and does it in a nicely insinuating way. I am really liking this, and there is tons of foam. Once it rinses off, I feel like I am very clean but also very moisturized.

I like this non scented stuff.

I use an unscented deodorant, and have done so for years. The Thai Egg has kept me funk free for a long time, it’s real cheap, and lasts forever. So I step out of the shower odorless, clean, and very much invigorated. I thought I would emerge defeated, dull, and sad but that isn’t how I feel at all. Nice.

After I got into the fragrance free bar soap, I found Aveeno body wash in unscented and I was right on target. I am still looking for an unscented shampoo and conditioner and I am sure I will find one. I tried Dr. Bronner’s unscented BUT it really enraged my ladybits! The doctor said it was the wrong Ph. Oh well. The search goes on.

A couple of weeks after I stopped using scented soap I actually do feel better. I had no idea of how abraded I was feeling down there. Good news!

And the BEST NEWS is that after all of that, I can wear my beloved perfumes all I want (just not on my nether parts) and their smell comes through true, without any interference from my bath products. Instead of smelling like a cacophony, I smell like the one beautiful item I wish to use! So, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise! Thanks, doc!

This blog is brought to you by Possets Perfume which is the prettiest perfume anywhere!


Presumptuous Biz-Speak

reaching out

There are plenty of modern business cliches which are spouted every day. Since about the 1950s business has prided itself in coming up with comically nonsensical euphemisms for annoying things. Businessmen can seldom speak proper English and are often badly educated. They know this. Being in the presence of well educated people who can speak proper and effective English is very uncomfortable for them. So they resort to the false-elegance of using many syllables for something which really needs only one. It’s an attempt to elevate their status.

We have all had to suffer through “interfacing with the infrastructure”, “communicating through the telephonic device”, “malfunction of the service provided” and more blathery poop. Most of that is just grist for the humor mill. You laugh at your boss’ grandiosity behind his back and keep on.

The latest stupidity has appeared in my world about 6 months ago. “Reaching out”. Phffffft. It’s always used by some really low level flunky who is reading it off a card and wants you to buy some useless and expensive item, something that they will have to hump and bump you to buy, like a service warranty for your ear buds, or they may be trying to get you to add on to a contract that you bought,”…but your cat would love to watch the Mouse Hole Channel for only an extra $19.99 per month” or the dreadful “you can put it in the CLOUD [and get permanently locked out because you forgot your 23 character password].”

Often I have had them grandiloquently rrrrrroll their r’s as in “…rrrrrreaching owwwt to yooooo”. After we have all been through the humbling experience of the Great Recession, do we really need to continue to cling to the tired old idea that false grandness will get us anywhere? I would be a damned sight more likely to sit and listen to someone who was straightforward, courteous, and normal, rather that some comically pompous buffoon; only comically pompous buffoons talk about “reaching out” to people instead of e-mailing them or calling them.

Fabienne Christenson can’t do everything right, but she can speak and write mostly proper and acceptable English and she makes terrific perfume. Come and visit her site, and see for yourself.